stick shift

have you ever learned how to drive a stick? if you haven't you should. it will really help you go further in life. trust me. i learned how to drive a stick shift this past winter. an old boyfriend taught me. i was pretty good in the beginning, cruising around the parking lot, stalling less and less as time went on. the real test came when i had to drive on the highway for the first time. by myself. i had driven to work at the mall with my old boyfriend, and everything went smoothly. he was coming to work later, and he said he would leave the car for me in the mall parking lot to drive home. i was shaking as soon as i got into the car to head home. there was no way i was ready for this. i stall as soon as i try to back up. im terrified about hitting the car behind me. i try to calm myself down. it's ok i tell myself. it's only a 20 minute drive. what can go wrong? if only i knew. by the time im leaving the mall it's dark out. i can't see what gear i'm in. i had not anticipated this. i make it out of the parking lot, and i'm on the highway. the car starts making a weird noise. the overhead light won't turn on, and i can't figure out if i'm in 4th gear or not. great. i guess i'm going to drive about 45 mph all the way home. i have a lot of angry people behind me. i turn off the highway, and i'm about 3 minutes from home. so far not to bad. unfortunately i'm so focused on shifting, i miss my turn. i have to drive about an extra 3 minutes to take the next turn onto my road. this leads me to a stoplight. this stoplight happens to be on a slight hill. and of course the light is red when i pull up. im not panicking at this point, but then a huge suv pulls up behind me, right on my bumper. now i start to panic. if you have never driven a stick, when you are on an incline, the car will start to roll backwards until you get back into gear. the light turns green. i try to get into gear, but im so nervous i just keep reving the engine. cars are starting to pile up behind me. oh god. so i do the only thing i can think of. i turn on my emergency lights. all the cars start driving around me. except for a man in a huge white van. he pulls over and gets out and starts walking over towards me. great. im getting help from an old man in the stereotypical child kidnapper van. i roll down my window. and he says so i take it this is your first time driving a stick shift? i blush. of course it is! why else would i be sitting in the road not moving and reving my engine? he waves all the cars around me, and everyone stares at me as they drive by. when the coast is clear he coaches me into getting the car into gear. finally im on my way. i make it back home and pull into the parking lot, scraping the bottom of the car painfully over a speedbump. i park the car. im shaking. i never want to drive again. i do the only thing i can think of. i call my mom. i tell her the story of the old man. she says, oh yeah the first time i drove a standard by myself i got stuck on a hill and an old man stopped to help me. oh, well, good thing it's in the genes. i hang up the phone and get out of the car. i stare at it remorsefully. the best part is? i have to drive all the way back to the mall in an hour and half to pick up this old boyfriend. i made it. i refused to drive us home. and i never drove a stick shift again.