goodbye

im leaving today.
the room is empty.
i take your pillow.
i steal the lamp.
you are left in darkness.
a single person in a double bed.
in the parking lot.
i don't know what to say.
you hug me.
my face is wet.
your tears or mine?
i get in the car.
when will i see you again?
what if this is the last time?
crying so hard i can't see.
and i leave you.
standing in the parking lot.
alone.
i guess this is goodbye.

awkward family photos

i am currently obsessed with the website www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com if you haven't seen it i highly reccomend that you visit it. this site contains page after page of the funniest most awkward photos you have ever seen. people with horrible hair, bad outfits, contorted positions, etc. while all the photos are hysterical, the also serve a greater purpose. you see, they make you feel better about all the awkward photos you have of yourself. you think, thank god i wasn't the only one who had terrible pictures taken of me while i was growing up! my family decided to take the most pictures of me when i was going through my supreme awkward stage. you know, the chubby face, the bowl haircut, the bad teeth followed by the braces. the bad haircuts, the mismatched ill-fitting outfits. i think the best awkward photo of me was taken at my dad's wedding. my father got remarried when i was 10. my sister and i are standing in front of the church steps in matching outfits. we are basically wearing tux jackets, tux shirts, long pleated black skirts, eggplant cumberbunds, and if i remember correctly eggplant bowties. we looked like a cross between a waiter at some cheap chain restaurant and the amish. my hair is done up in these long sausage ringlets, and they are sprayed with hairspray so they are basically immobile. half of it is up, and for some reason i have the equivalent of a gold pipecleaner wrapped around the half ponytail. i am also chubby having just crash-landed into puberty. and, for some reason, i am holding my french horn. i do not recall having even played said french horn at my father's wedding (yes i played the french horn, no i don't want to talk about it) so i have no idea why i even have it with me. my sister looks way better by comparison with her hair in a more suitable style, and coming into her own just out of puberty. so she makes me look even more awkward. thanks a lot. she is holding her trumpet, which she at least played at the wedding so it makes some sort of sense for her to be holding it. the best part about this photo is, my dad decided he liked it. so he sent it to all our relatives. we have a big family, so this is a lot of people. great. thanks dad. this is how i really would love to be remembered. so. i urge you all. visit www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com. no matter how many awkward photos you have of yourself, there is always one (or more) photo on the site that will make you think phew. at least i wasn't THIS awkward!

stick shift

have you ever learned how to drive a stick? if you haven't you should. it will really help you go further in life. trust me. i learned how to drive a stick shift this past winter. an old boyfriend taught me. i was pretty good in the beginning, cruising around the parking lot, stalling less and less as time went on. the real test came when i had to drive on the highway for the first time. by myself. i had driven to work at the mall with my old boyfriend, and everything went smoothly. he was coming to work later, and he said he would leave the car for me in the mall parking lot to drive home. i was shaking as soon as i got into the car to head home. there was no way i was ready for this. i stall as soon as i try to back up. im terrified about hitting the car behind me. i try to calm myself down. it's ok i tell myself. it's only a 20 minute drive. what can go wrong? if only i knew. by the time im leaving the mall it's dark out. i can't see what gear i'm in. i had not anticipated this. i make it out of the parking lot, and i'm on the highway. the car starts making a weird noise. the overhead light won't turn on, and i can't figure out if i'm in 4th gear or not. great. i guess i'm going to drive about 45 mph all the way home. i have a lot of angry people behind me. i turn off the highway, and i'm about 3 minutes from home. so far not to bad. unfortunately i'm so focused on shifting, i miss my turn. i have to drive about an extra 3 minutes to take the next turn onto my road. this leads me to a stoplight. this stoplight happens to be on a slight hill. and of course the light is red when i pull up. im not panicking at this point, but then a huge suv pulls up behind me, right on my bumper. now i start to panic. if you have never driven a stick, when you are on an incline, the car will start to roll backwards until you get back into gear. the light turns green. i try to get into gear, but im so nervous i just keep reving the engine. cars are starting to pile up behind me. oh god. so i do the only thing i can think of. i turn on my emergency lights. all the cars start driving around me. except for a man in a huge white van. he pulls over and gets out and starts walking over towards me. great. im getting help from an old man in the stereotypical child kidnapper van. i roll down my window. and he says so i take it this is your first time driving a stick shift? i blush. of course it is! why else would i be sitting in the road not moving and reving my engine? he waves all the cars around me, and everyone stares at me as they drive by. when the coast is clear he coaches me into getting the car into gear. finally im on my way. i make it back home and pull into the parking lot, scraping the bottom of the car painfully over a speedbump. i park the car. im shaking. i never want to drive again. i do the only thing i can think of. i call my mom. i tell her the story of the old man. she says, oh yeah the first time i drove a standard by myself i got stuck on a hill and an old man stopped to help me. oh, well, good thing it's in the genes. i hang up the phone and get out of the car. i stare at it remorsefully. the best part is? i have to drive all the way back to the mall in an hour and half to pick up this old boyfriend. i made it. i refused to drive us home. and i never drove a stick shift again.

summertime

remember the beach?
we were there everyday.
hot sun.
bikinis.
books.
rocks digging into our skin.
never going in the water.
aren't you two from maine?
isn't the water colder there?
so what.
we never said we liked the cold.
dunkin donuts every morning with half open eyes.
running across the parking lot at all hours.
day or night.
dirty wine glasses.
shared histories.
togas and dancing.
no one else understands.
a little bit of maine right here in beverly.

eyelashes

you wipe my tears.
you have an eyelash on your cheek, you say.
you touch it with your finger, it sticks.
you hold it in front of my face.
make a wish, practically demanding it.
i close my eyes, and i blow it away.
what did you wish for?
to be happy.
that's what i wished for you too.
i get in my car and drive away.
i don't look back.

dancing

over winter break i leave my family to come visit you.
you were there all alone.
i missed you!
in the empty borrowed apartment.
we dance.
the music blaring loud.
we make cookies, my favorite kind.
i spray you with water.
you get me back.
tidal wave on the floor.
we dance.
we step.
we dip.
we glide.
you spin me around.
i slip.
water underfoot.
i fall.
your face is priceless.
i start to laugh.
you join.
i laugh so hard my stomach hurts and i can't breath.
on the dirty floor covered with water.
my white tanktop is ruined.
and still we laugh.

swings

its dark.
the sky is so black and clear the stars pop out, hard and glittery.
i close my eyes.
i make a wish.
i can hear the whoosh of the waves washing up on the pebbly beach.
my breath creates white clouds.
the park is empty, silent.
we all hold hands and run.
our laughter echos.
we race to the swings.
we jump on.
back and forth.
a gain and a loss.
the cold air rushing by.
my cheeks turn pink.
my hands are numb.
locked around the chain.
i look at you and you look at me.
we smile, exchange a look.
wild laughter.
my wish comes true.
i am happy.

laughter is the best medicine

have you ever laughed so hard that you peed your pants?
do you hate the person that makes you do it?
i think not. it's embarassing, but it also just makes you laugh harder.
what's a pair of dirty pants compared to the best laugh you had probably in days.

making people laugh is one of my favorite things in the whole world, and one of my favorite victims is my older sister.
she has this really great infectious laugh. it's one of those ones that you hear, and you don't even have to know what the person is laughing at, and you just start laughing yourself.
she just has this one tiny flaw: when she laughs TOO hard, she snorts. which of course just makes us laugh harder.

i once made my sister laugh so hard that she started choking. on her drink. in public. and no one offered to help.

i once made my cousin laugh so hard that she peed her pants. in public. twice.

i had one friend, who when you suprised him with something funny, he giggled. there is nothing that brings more joy into my life that seeing a guy over 6 feet tall giggling.

so be careful. if you are my friend, watch your back. i will make you laugh at the most inappropriate things, in the most inappropriate places. all for my own enjoyment.