apartment

i was studing abroad in italy for 3.5 months. when we first moved into our italian apartment it was the end of january, and it was COLD. italians aparently don't use heat. they expect you to be bundled up inside. i swear to god every second i spent in my apartment those first few weeks i spent in my bed. in sweatpants. and a sweater. and two pairs of socks.
all of the doors in our apartment were made of glass. while the panes were distorted, you could still see through the doors somewhat. so much for privacy. we also had six girls living in one tiny apartment. you were never, ever, alone. there was no dryer, and if you were taking a shower and someone else needed to use the water you were left standing in a freezing cold trickle. we had no couch in our living room, we only had a love seat. our kitchen table was really only big enough for four people.
as imperfect as my italian apartment was, i miss the hell out of that place. i miss the sounds of the city. i miss the fact that the tv was never on because we were all so busy exploring. i miss the days when i would hang out in my room and relax. one of my favorite days was when all my roommates left for the weekend and i was alone for probably the only time i was there. i spent one day watching people out the window and chain smoking cigarettes. i watched the people in the store across the street repair shoes. i watched people just arriving in italy dragging their suitcases down the street, looking excited and anxious at the same time. i watched a group of homeless men sprawl out on the sidewalk and smoke. one woman yelled at her boyfriend, and hit him with her purse. a man chased a girl down the sidewalk with a rose.
somehow even everyday life was more exciting in italy.

driving miss buchanan: why i'm such a backseat driver

riding in the car with my dad is terrifying. i can't tell you how many times i have sat there, wide eyed and white knuckled, positive that those were my last few moments alive. one time we were on the highway and it was just the two of us. he pulls out his map, and is studying it intently. we start drifting over into the opposite lane. i just sit there, kinda waiting for him to notice that oh guess what we are on the wrong side of the road. yeah, he doesnt notice. but what catches my attention is the huge 18 wheeler barreling towards us. i wait a couple more seconds.
"dad"
"daaaaadd"
"DAD!!!!"
he jerks his head up and swerves back into the right lane, overcompensating as usual almost putting us into the gaurdrail. "oh, thanks" he says nonchalantly. and goes back to reading his map.

another time, we were on a long drive to visit family. once again, im in the front seat. he takes out his new book, and starts reading it. while driving. on the highway. never do this while driving in heavy traffic on the highway. lets just say im lucky to be alive.

goodbye

im leaving today.
the room is empty.
i take your pillow.
i steal the lamp.
you are left in darkness.
a single person in a double bed.
in the parking lot.
i don't know what to say.
you hug me.
my face is wet.
your tears or mine?
i get in the car.
when will i see you again?
what if this is the last time?
crying so hard i can't see.
and i leave you.
standing in the parking lot.
alone.
i guess this is goodbye.

awkward family photos

i am currently obsessed with the website www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com if you haven't seen it i highly reccomend that you visit it. this site contains page after page of the funniest most awkward photos you have ever seen. people with horrible hair, bad outfits, contorted positions, etc. while all the photos are hysterical, the also serve a greater purpose. you see, they make you feel better about all the awkward photos you have of yourself. you think, thank god i wasn't the only one who had terrible pictures taken of me while i was growing up! my family decided to take the most pictures of me when i was going through my supreme awkward stage. you know, the chubby face, the bowl haircut, the bad teeth followed by the braces. the bad haircuts, the mismatched ill-fitting outfits. i think the best awkward photo of me was taken at my dad's wedding. my father got remarried when i was 10. my sister and i are standing in front of the church steps in matching outfits. we are basically wearing tux jackets, tux shirts, long pleated black skirts, eggplant cumberbunds, and if i remember correctly eggplant bowties. we looked like a cross between a waiter at some cheap chain restaurant and the amish. my hair is done up in these long sausage ringlets, and they are sprayed with hairspray so they are basically immobile. half of it is up, and for some reason i have the equivalent of a gold pipecleaner wrapped around the half ponytail. i am also chubby having just crash-landed into puberty. and, for some reason, i am holding my french horn. i do not recall having even played said french horn at my father's wedding (yes i played the french horn, no i don't want to talk about it) so i have no idea why i even have it with me. my sister looks way better by comparison with her hair in a more suitable style, and coming into her own just out of puberty. so she makes me look even more awkward. thanks a lot. she is holding her trumpet, which she at least played at the wedding so it makes some sort of sense for her to be holding it. the best part about this photo is, my dad decided he liked it. so he sent it to all our relatives. we have a big family, so this is a lot of people. great. thanks dad. this is how i really would love to be remembered. so. i urge you all. visit www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com. no matter how many awkward photos you have of yourself, there is always one (or more) photo on the site that will make you think phew. at least i wasn't THIS awkward!

stick shift

have you ever learned how to drive a stick? if you haven't you should. it will really help you go further in life. trust me. i learned how to drive a stick shift this past winter. an old boyfriend taught me. i was pretty good in the beginning, cruising around the parking lot, stalling less and less as time went on. the real test came when i had to drive on the highway for the first time. by myself. i had driven to work at the mall with my old boyfriend, and everything went smoothly. he was coming to work later, and he said he would leave the car for me in the mall parking lot to drive home. i was shaking as soon as i got into the car to head home. there was no way i was ready for this. i stall as soon as i try to back up. im terrified about hitting the car behind me. i try to calm myself down. it's ok i tell myself. it's only a 20 minute drive. what can go wrong? if only i knew. by the time im leaving the mall it's dark out. i can't see what gear i'm in. i had not anticipated this. i make it out of the parking lot, and i'm on the highway. the car starts making a weird noise. the overhead light won't turn on, and i can't figure out if i'm in 4th gear or not. great. i guess i'm going to drive about 45 mph all the way home. i have a lot of angry people behind me. i turn off the highway, and i'm about 3 minutes from home. so far not to bad. unfortunately i'm so focused on shifting, i miss my turn. i have to drive about an extra 3 minutes to take the next turn onto my road. this leads me to a stoplight. this stoplight happens to be on a slight hill. and of course the light is red when i pull up. im not panicking at this point, but then a huge suv pulls up behind me, right on my bumper. now i start to panic. if you have never driven a stick, when you are on an incline, the car will start to roll backwards until you get back into gear. the light turns green. i try to get into gear, but im so nervous i just keep reving the engine. cars are starting to pile up behind me. oh god. so i do the only thing i can think of. i turn on my emergency lights. all the cars start driving around me. except for a man in a huge white van. he pulls over and gets out and starts walking over towards me. great. im getting help from an old man in the stereotypical child kidnapper van. i roll down my window. and he says so i take it this is your first time driving a stick shift? i blush. of course it is! why else would i be sitting in the road not moving and reving my engine? he waves all the cars around me, and everyone stares at me as they drive by. when the coast is clear he coaches me into getting the car into gear. finally im on my way. i make it back home and pull into the parking lot, scraping the bottom of the car painfully over a speedbump. i park the car. im shaking. i never want to drive again. i do the only thing i can think of. i call my mom. i tell her the story of the old man. she says, oh yeah the first time i drove a standard by myself i got stuck on a hill and an old man stopped to help me. oh, well, good thing it's in the genes. i hang up the phone and get out of the car. i stare at it remorsefully. the best part is? i have to drive all the way back to the mall in an hour and half to pick up this old boyfriend. i made it. i refused to drive us home. and i never drove a stick shift again.

summertime

remember the beach?
we were there everyday.
hot sun.
bikinis.
books.
rocks digging into our skin.
never going in the water.
aren't you two from maine?
isn't the water colder there?
so what.
we never said we liked the cold.
dunkin donuts every morning with half open eyes.
running across the parking lot at all hours.
day or night.
dirty wine glasses.
shared histories.
togas and dancing.
no one else understands.
a little bit of maine right here in beverly.

eyelashes

you wipe my tears.
you have an eyelash on your cheek, you say.
you touch it with your finger, it sticks.
you hold it in front of my face.
make a wish, practically demanding it.
i close my eyes, and i blow it away.
what did you wish for?
to be happy.
that's what i wished for you too.
i get in my car and drive away.
i don't look back.